When your camera is measuring light, there’s a true grey. The actual center of half light and half dark. Here’s where it gets hard to understand… all colors have a true grey too. Because the only way you see those colors is by the light they are giving off, the light they are absorbing at different percentages… It seems to me that this is the real struggle some people have with what’s right and whats wrong. It’s so rooted in perception that what I value as good and what you value as good are never the same percentages. Some people believe that eye for an eye is 100% in the light, or a good thing. That there is no evil in ending the life of someone who ends the life of another. But maybe I dont see that much light coming out of that color as you do. Not saying I meaning me… just using you and me as examples. =p

The episode I just finished was one where Spike is being a hero. He’s going out and killing vampires that are trying to kill people. The ones without souls, and that’s okay because they are pure evil… but then there’s Harmony. She doesnt have a soul, yet she’s always trying to do good. Not drink human blood or kill people. What makes her not pure evil if she doesnt have a soul?.. see that little bit of grey Joss throws in sometimes? In this episode I just finished though, the “bad guy/gal” is a mentally ill Slayer. SPOILER to follow!!!

See, at the end of Buffy, in order to save the world from all the Uber vamps that were about to exit the Hell Mouth and rampage Earth, Buffy found a way to make all potential slayers no longer potential… they became just as awesome, well… mostly as awesome as Buffy. They got the full effect of being a chosen one. So this makes it where the world is covered in girls that have super human powers no matter what fate has done to them. This “bad gal” is mentally troubled because when she was very very young a man came into her house, killed her parents and took her to a cellar under a whiskey factory and tortured her for years. Drugs to numb her, did terrible unspeakable things to her… well some how she got out of his possession and ended up in a mental hospital nearly comatose until Buffy did her mojo and flipped on all the potentials power switches. So now, she’s not comatose, she’s straight-jacket nuts. Speaking languages she doesnt actually know because she has memories of other slayers in her head. A nurse gets the drugs mixed up and out busts the nutty slayer. To make this shorter, she drugs Spike in a fight and chains him where she was chained. In her visions of what happened to her, she’s putting in Spike because of the other slayers memories where he was the “super bad” that ruined their lives. While he’s completely out cold, nutty slayer cuts Spikes hands off, halfway up the forearm. OUCH! Sad part is, Spike, knowing all the bad he had done, and how she felt, feels like he deserved it in some way. And even though we, the viewers, know that he probably would not be able to do the evil things he did before his soul, you kinda feel like he deserved it too. Through her visions Joss makes you think Spike did do it. Maybe Spike did so much bad, he just doesnt remember this little girl. But this kind of bad… this kind of bad was something Angelus would do. And so, when Angel defends the girl and says, “She was an innocent victim.” Implying that she is not a monster and can not be blamed for what she did, Spike replies, “We were innocent once too, remember?” This makes me think about how, you are the choices you make. and even if things are not black and white in every situation… I believe that every situation as a right and wrong even if it’s just a little more right or a little more wrong than the alternative.

What do you think?

Thursday night I called Stacy, the bride, to see what she was doing and found out she was in New Orleans picking up Katie and Sarah, two of the bridesmaids that had flown in from Michigan. They went for beignets at the famous Cafe Du Monde and would soon be heading back to Baton Rouge for a small batchlorette party at Red Zepplin where March, another bridesmaid, would be waiting for them. She invited me to come with. Since Stefan was already planning to be out all night with Chris, the groom and all his groomsmen, I figured why not. Plus, it was something I should take pictures of. Stacy and the girls were much later getting back than they planned, so March was waiting at Red Z for an hour or so. She had wine though, so it couldnt have been that bad.

Once we got there, I realized it was freezing and the place was so small that we were going to be sitting outside. Fun! Not really. March let me borrow her jacket or I would have been miserable. Stacy’s mom showed up and I got a first impression that I did not like. She turned out to not be as bad as I first thought she was going to be, but it was still bad, and scary knowing how stressed and freaked out Stacy was going to get. March was a bigger help then I’d planned so that was good. And then Lisa showed up! Love Stacy’s Lisa! Hugs and such were photographed. Shots were drank. It was fun. Then everyone went home.

Friday morning Stacy called me early…

I feel like I’m not remembering this correctly so I’m going to stop storytelling the whole weekend. I remember meeting up with Stacy early on Friday morning and not leaving her side until the wedding. And just as I had thought, I didnt set my camera down for more than a few minutes at any point while I was awake. At some point on Friday, early… Stacy started to “lose it” she couldnt concentrate or really even think clearly for more than a few minutes at a time. You must understand, if you dont know Stacy, this is very unusual. She’s normally the one that knows exactly what she wants, when she wants it, and how she will/is going to get it. To have her not even able to really drive has never happened before. And I was not my normal self either. I guess I just instinctively took over, in a way. She had told me enough of what would happen and needed to happen that I helped her to remember everything and knew what questions I should ask her to help things to keep moving smoothly. By the end of Friday, Stacy was exhausted. We hadnt even had the rehearsal yet. Thank goodness that the rehearsal went more smoothly for Stacy then it had for Tara, my sister in law. The church that Stacy was getting married in had a “coordinator” of sorts. She asked only a couple of questions from Stacy before she started directing everyone about what they would be doing. Stefan had thought he wouldnt be able to make the rehearsal, but his class had let out early so he was there. Making it where only one groomsman wasnt present for rehearsal. We ran through it once and everyone was confident that they knew what to do. I got a few nice photos from this event, including a really cute one of the flower girl, Ava, playng with the bear that Stacy had gotten her as a gift for being in her wedding.

The rehearsal dinner was at Drucilla’s Seafood. I’d not been there before. The room we got was very nice looking, but the air was freezing, again… I asked the servers to turn the air warmer twice, but the room continued to freeze us the whole time we were there. Some of the bridesmaids were wearing less than I was, with sleeveless dresses and such, so I know they were somewhat miserable. But to the same token, I imagine a few of the older persons there were quite comfortable as tends to be the way things go in churchs if I remember correctly. heh. Most of the food was good. We started joking that half the food must be made by a great chef and the other half by someone they hired the day before.

At this point I started to feel like March didnt like me very much.

The speeches were nice. Chris’s dad was very funny. Chris was caught off guard when he was asked to say something. Poor thing has a real nack for putting himself down in an off-handed sort of way. But what he said was sweet and he didnt make Stacy cry, she did that to herself.

Stacy spoke for a short time. She used the opportunity to thank her family for making the trip. Said she didnt realize so much of her family loved her so much to make that large of a trip to spend her wedding with her. I think she’s silly. Of course they love her that much.. she’s Stacy…

The night of her rehearsal, she stayed in a hotel room that her mom had gotten for her so that she could stay apart from Chris for the night before the wedding. Her bridesmaids all felt it best if they stayed in their own rooms that night, so she talked me into staying with her. Wasnt hard, as I had already noticed that I might be the one to stay with her. She fell asleep watching “Say Yes to The Dress”. Thought that was appropriate.

“The day of” went by really fast, as it always seems to do. We got up and went to the hair salon. Had Mimosas and got their hair done. Stacy became the makeup artist when she finished getting her hair done earlier than expected. She was having a lot of fun with that. I think she did 4 different girls before she was done, including me. Her mom didnt have trouble finding the salon, so that was nice. After the salon though, they didnt have near as much time to get dressed as they thought they’d have. Add to that the fact that Stacy had to get a different room key for the suite her mom got them for their honeymoon… This would have been fine, except that the first key didnt work, and the key was required to get the elevator to go to the correct floor. We lost about 15 to 20 minutes over that. And then, the room was quite small for 5 bridesmaids, a photographer and the mother in law. But we all had to be in there for one reason or another. But we made it work and it was good. We got down to the limo just in time and the ride over was fun. Seemed much shorter trip in a limo. =)

Once at the church, I felt like I could now leave the bride some, because the pro photographers were waiting at the church for us to arrive. I went looking for the groomsmen, and the groom. They were standing in the space behind the alter, a small room that was terribly lit for someone without their big nice flash. But I made due. I really just wanted to see how they were doing and get a photo or two of all of them looking snazzy in their tuxs.

Before it was time for the girls to all go into the main area I happened to walk back to the brides room one more time. I was getting ready to go sit in the sanctuary when the terrifying image of Stacy walking down the aisle with her dress still bustled flowed into my mind. I looked at her wide eyed and practically yelled, “Your train! No one reminded me to unbustle your train!” Fully expecting her to say that someone had done it and calm me down, she made me even more frantic when her eyes got as big as mine already where and she yelled, “Oh God, Nicole!! No one has undone it!” and she spun around. Stupid tiny little strings tied in knots that had been in the dress for like 3 weeks did not want to come undone, let alone let me find them. She started to freak thinking that it was going to look aweful cause it hadnt been steamed while down, but I assured her it looked just fine. And it did. I hugged her once more, told her to breath (I think) and went to sit in the sanctuary. By this time, I was so freaking tired… but I kept going. I sat my camera down and intended to watch the wedding and not worry about taking photos, but right as I did, I noticed the pretty image of Chris’s mom sitting next to his dad with her cute little hat on and the light and Chris standing at the alter waiting for Stacy to enter, that I snapped a photo. And with that, the flood gates were opened and I couldnt set my camera down for long. Fifty photos or so later, the wedding was over and everyone was talking and stuff again. I assisted the pro photographers by going through the list of people doing my best to track down all of the list for them. The family portraits after the wedding didnt take that long, and we were off to the reception hall. Well, everyone else was at least.

I found that my new wifi card had drained my battery. Good thing it did before the reception because this gave me the chance to run back to the hotel to recover my charger that I had left plugged into Stacy’s first hotel room that night, and my other freshly charged battery.

I got to the reception just in time to take a photo of Stacy’s Dad giving Chris the cigar that he’d had since the day Stacy was born. And to bustle her dress back up again. The reception was great fun and much good food was had by all. The dances were quite nice, some were quite funny. Mrs Christine looked like she was having the time of her life. Chris had chosen a Beatles song for them to dance to, which she very much approved of. And Stacy had a sweet dance with her father. There was a best man speech that Edward gave, and it was entertaining. Lisa’s speech was about how she told Stacy not to meet with this guy again cause he couldnt be bothered to show up to meet her when she drove to BR just to see them. (Course, Stacy didnt listen, luckily she knew better. )

And then they did a money dance. I understand the money dance, but I dont like to dance so I usually dont participate. And I had no cash. But before I knew what was going on, Chris was grabbing my hand and pulling me out there. I felt like my face was going to explode, my cheeks got so hot. I cant remember exactly what he said, but I remember parts of it. He told me how much the appreciated all I’d done, and that I was the closest thing he had to a little sister. If I hadnt been smiling so largely and blushing so badly I might have cried like I’m starting to do now writing this.

I have so much love for them, and sometimes I dont feel like they know it. I did as much as I could for them for this time in their lives because I dont know that I’ll ever have another chance to show them or help them make something so special work out so well. Truth is, I have a younger brother. I know what it feels like to love a sibling, and that’s how I feel about Chris. And Stacy, well… I’m closer to her than my new sister in law, so I guess I feel more like she’s my sister now than Tara is at this moment in time. It meant a lot to me that they had a flower to pin on my dress. And it meant a lot to me that they mentioned me at the reception. I know that I am appreciated, I just hope they know that they are loved. I dont have a lot of people in my close friends circle. But I hope they know, that they are some of the closest people to my heart.

I’m nervous. Sure. I’m nervous before every wedding I have anything to do with because it’s a HUGE day for those the wedding is for. And I would hate to mess things up. I will admit though, it’s getting easier. After saving Josh and Falon’s wedding from photo black out for half the ceremony, and then being entrusted with the rest of the day, yeah. I feel pretty good about myself. But I got knocked back down a notch, or three, when I felt like I ruined my brother’s wedding. Sure, I got a few beautiful shots, but I got tired and I let my emotions get the better of me and I sort of gave up after the ceremony and didnt do the family shots, and then Charles got mad because his moments were being staged and not just made to let happen and “kodak moments” caught on “film”… and I feel responsible for that. But, I am not that worried about the quality of Stacy’s photos at her wedding. The church is so much better lit, and my camera is brand new and made to shoot in lower light than my old camera that I still had at Charles’s wedding. I guess, I’m just more worried that something I cant help might happen and I’ll feel responsible.

Somehow I know I’m gonna cry. Probably because Stacy, and/or Chris is gonna cry and that’s gonna make me cry. But I shouldnt be shooting anything at that point cause that’s what the paid photographers are for. Maybe I’m worried that they will mess up and then I’ll feel guilty for not shooting EVERYTHING… (gah. I gotta keep this post unpublished till after this weekend. This would probably set Stacy into a nervous tailspin.)

Anyway. I’m excited, and I’m nervous. I cant wait for it to happen. And I cant wait to show Chris the bridal shots that we took together at the Houmas house. One of which is her favorite, and was taken by me! (Did I mention she paid someone else for photos cause I’m a chicken? She paid a LOT of money for photos from pros cause I was too scared. I think she’ll get beautiful shots that I dont have the equipment to take from them though… and she’ll still have my 500+ shots to remember her day with.)

Growing up strict Baptist, and being completely involved in church, I learned that things are black and white, very very little is grey. There are things that you do, and there are things that you just do not do. You imagine that Jesus is watching you. If he would approve, it’s white. If he would not be happy with what you’re doing, then it’s black.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to wonder if I imagine Jesus the way he really is/was. Nude wasnt wrong, until we sinned… That to me means that if you look at a nude through the correct eyes, with the correct intentions then nude is not wrong. How you see it is what makes it right or wrong. This to me, equals grey.

As an artist, things like this come up. As a model, things like this come up a lot. I feel that a tasteful nude, taken with the right intent, is white. The viewer might make it black, but that’s why I feel like art nudes are in the grey area of my “alignment”. (Forgive me if I’ve used too much analogy or if I’ve not used alignment correctly… but I think you might understand…)

My drive to be an artist and make the art that I find the most interesting comes into play here. Some photographs are just more eye catching or even shocking, if the model is nude. There’s no way around it… though, I do believe that covering the most important parts can make the photo still have the same impact while not providing the content that those who cant help viewing the image with black intent with the material they need.

Even though I feel this way about my artistic intent and my up bringing, I cant share this with the most people that I know. That or I dont trust them enough to accept me the way I honestly am. I know a few of them would probably say, “I dont approve, but I dont really care that you do that” and then a few might even say, “That’s so cool, I wish I had the nerve to be that outgoing.” But what scares me the most are the few that would say negative things like, “I cant believe you actually do that.” or “That’s so wrong, you should be ashamed.”

For the most part, it’s the latter that keeps me from doing as much artistically with photography as I would if I could just get to a point in my life where, I dont care what others think. Where I do what I want to do, what makes me happy and disregard what others might say or think. It’s a personality thing that stops me. My personality, as much as I dont want it to be that way, I care what others say or think about me. And that will always hold me back, at least some.

Most of all, I have to say thank you to my husband. He’s the most encouraging of all. He researched cameras again, and found the best one for my needs. He also went so far as to get it for me now so I can get familiar with it and have fun with it! He got me a great new fill flash, and it works great! Not only does the camera make me want to shoot portraits again, it makes my product photography so much easier. He believes in me. I have no doubts about that, and that means so much to me. He really is awesome.

So thank you to everyone that supports and encourages me. I’m doing my best to make this work. <3

Check out the website we’re working on: www.turtlechain.com

The wedding itself was really nice. They got married at Chase Baptist. Made my mom very happy. She always wanted us to get married in her church, and now she got at least one of us to. I would have married Stefan at Chase, but he didn’t want a ceremony like that, so I got the next best thing. Tara’s colors were light lime green, punky pink, and light purple. I wore a lime green dress with a purple tank under it. I was their photographer, but I feel like I did a terrible job. I was so nervous the whole time. I got good photos, but I messed up on a lot more of them than I usually do. I didn’t get her standing in the doorway to the church with her dad, I barely got her face coming down the aisle, and I missed the sealing vows kiss. I wanted to cry. I’ve never missed that shot before and its always been a real fear. People in the audience even asked me about it again after, cause a few of them noticed that I pressed the button over and over and the camera just wouldn’t go off. It couldn’t focus and so it wouldn’t take a photo. I got them to kiss again before they left the alter, so I got something that would work, but still it bothers me so bad that it’s not the “you may now kiss your bride” moment.

And then, I asked Brittany to help me take the photos after that cause her camera is an upgrade to mine. Though by the reception I was ready to shoot again, but she’d taken the reigns and now didn’t know how to let me back in. She pulled the last straw with Charles and Tara moments before I asked her to stop and so they didnt want me to shoot anything else. So they sat and had cake and talked to people but didn’t do the cake cutting or the feeding each other. They didn’t want to pull off the garter belt or throw the bouquet either. So that made me feel like I’d messed it all up too. But the important part is that everyone is happy.

Tara wasn’t upset that Charles didn’t want to do any more photos. She wasn’t upset that I’d let or asked Brittany to help me. I think she understood. I’m happy that she wasn’t upset and doesn’t feel like it went wrong. She didn’t seem to mind any of it. She wanted photos but they were not the most important thing. The day as a whole was the important part to her. The event itself went just the way she wanted it to go. And I got a ton of great photos of her day. And I’ll be there to take photos of the happy couple as soon as she asks me too.

So now my brother and I are both happily married. And weddings and all that silliness is done. Tara looked beautiful and Charles looked slick. The bridesmaids were all pretty and the groomsmen wore their tuxes well. I didn’t cry like I thought I might. I was too worried about the photos to really get emotional.

I got invited to go hang out with Charles and Tara and their friends out at Megan’s house. Played beer pong for the first time. The rules were simpler then I had imagined. I now want to teach the guys and Stacy how to play because I think Stacy would really love it (both of them, for readers that wonder which Stacy I am referring to). I was way more excited about being invited than I should have been. It means a lot to me that my little brother likes to hang out with me, or at least doesn’t mind me hanging out with his friends. When I left for college, I never though he and I would ever really choose to hang out together. It was a lot of fun.

Gran really pissed me off once this weekend. That’s actually good cause she usually gets to me more than once. I needed to take Tara her purse and a diaper bag for a baby that Charles and his friend, brad had left at Megan’s house, but she wouldn’t let me. She didn’t want me to “waste my gas”. Argh.

In all it was a very good visit though.

My skates got canceled. I thought I got a great deal on a pair of skates, and was anxiously awaiting them in the mail, only to check my email today and find out that Dick’s sporting goods was behind on updating the skates section of their website and no longer provided the pair I wanted. So, now I dont know where the $30 gift certificate is, that I used on them is, so I can go to the store and redeem my points went.. and I dont have skates coming to me. I’m rather upset about this as I was really looking forward to skating down the street soon. That’s okay. I still have a roller derby bout to go to on March 19th, and I plan to get my photography fill while there.

Honestly, I want to be one of those rough and tough girls. I havent ever been to a bout, but I am so anxious to see them that I can hardly wait. I wanted to go to a practice, but I cant do that and not act interested in joining the team, and I’m just not sure I have what it takes to be one of them. I mean, sure, bruises are cool, but I’m not sure I want them on myself. And if I’m completely honest I think my temper might get the better of me if people are constantly shoving on me like they’re supposed to… So I’ll wait and be a spectator at an event first and decide if I need to start saving my money for a starter kit after I see what it’s really like. GO Diables Rouges! Whoo Capital Defenders!!

Aside from being upset about my skates not actually being purchased.. I found out today that my wish to go back to school to learn Information Technology isn’t gonna happen. At least not when I want it to which means I probably wont do it. I don’t really like working. I want to do like my mom did, minus the kids. I want to stay home and take care of the cleaning. I’ll cook dinner for 5pm. I’ll wash and fold clothes on a nearly daily basis. I’ll vacuum and keep the bathrooms clean. I’m not at all career minded, so I just want to stay home and make a house a home. I want to take care of my husband and have the energy to rub his sore ankle in the evening time. I want to wake up and do aerobics and wait for him to come home to the dinner and the new wall art I painted while he was at work. This is what I want. But… at the moment I wanted to take networking classes to better my position to get a better job when we have to move and I still need to make the majority of the income for us to live on while his school loans pay for his school tuition and books. We have two cars, rent, groceries and general bills to pay. I know loans and such will help. This country puts a lot of merit on wanting to better yourself and go to school, but it’s not always calculated right. I thought that I had an opportunity to go to school right now while he finishes here, to put myself in a better spot for a year from now, but it wont work out. And so, I’m stuck where I work. For another year. I have to hang on. Even though I dont want to. I cant explain why I dont want to stay there. It’s decent work. I think it’s because I was raised to do better than just what is expected and I dont feel I can.

I need to stop, so I am going to. Now.

Valentines day was also a good day for me this year. Stefan sent me flowers to work, that was unexpected. They are still alive on the table, two weeks later. <3

Next post will be Locks of Love, I promise!